


The Inevitable Meeting (Tales for March)

by ClaireVioletThorpe



Series: Fanfiction in a Year, Volume 1 [3]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Exactly What It Says on the Tin, Gen, Goodbye Tolkienverse, I'm Sorry Tolkien, The One Ring - Freeform, future characters meet, no i'm not sorry, universe explodes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-01
Updated: 2015-03-31
Packaged: 2018-03-15 23:30:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 31
Words: 15,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3466013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClaireVioletThorpe/pseuds/ClaireVioletThorpe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merry and Pippin meet Fili and Kili, an event that causes the universe to explode. Also, Frodo discovers a secret regarding Bilbo that Bilbo had tried to keep hidden.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nothing much except for a picture of the famous meeting

To begin, I thought Fili and Kili should meet Merry and Pippin. That's because I felt they must meet each other.

Case in point: in LOTR, Gandalf worries about Merry and Pippin because they remind him of Fili and Kili. Also, in the movies, Fili and Kili apparently remind the audience of Merry and Pippin. As I've said before, let's imagine those two Hobbits meeting those two dwarves.

Yeah, be shocked; be very shocked. When these two meet, Middle-Earth is going to explode.

Here's a picture of this historical moment...

Now that that's done, let's get this story started! 


	2. Merry and Pippin find Bilbo's diary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Merry and Pippin discover some very shocking secrets about their cousin Bilbo

"What sort of naughtiness shall we get up to today, Merry?" said Pippin as they raided the library at Bag End. Bilbo and Frodo had stepped out for an hour, leaving the two younger hobbits free to do whatever they wanted. Right now, they were looking for Bilbo's book, the book that he had written about his adventures in Middle-Earth. So far, they had found a variety of books about Dwarves, as well as some souvenirs Bilbo had collected during his adventure, but that wasn't enough. Not as far as Bilbo was concerned.

"Darn," said Merry. "We're never going to find the book!"

"Don't give up just yet, Merry," said Pippin. "We know it's there; we just have to look harder."

"But where would a book like that be?" said Merry.

After 45 minutes of searching, the book eventually appeared on Bilbo's desk. The book was open, and the boys couldn't believe what was written: _"Every time I see Meriadoc and Peregrin, I cry thinking about Fili and Kili. Those two boys, who were with me on the quest, they were too young. I'm still upset over the fact that they died so early in life..."_

"Wow, this is the saddest book I've ever read," said Merry.

"I know," said Pippin. "Who the heck are Fili and Kili and why do they make Bilbo sad?"

"And why does Bilbo say that we remind him of them?" said Merry.

"Who knows?" said Pippin.

"What are you two doing reading my book?" Bilbo yelled as he glared at Merry and Pippin. The two guilt-ridden hobbits jumped out of their seats, not knowing that Bilbo and Frodo were home during the time they were reading the book. Bilbo wasn't finished yet. He took the book from them, saying, "I thought I told you two to keep your sticky hands off my book; it's not ready for reading!"

"Bilbo," said Frodo as he read the passage, "who are Fili and Kili?"

At that point, Bilbo found himself crying. It was heartbreaking that Frodo had asked him that question; but even harder was the fact that Merry and Pippin did remind him of the two young Dwarves in question. Merry had blond hair while Pippin had dark brown hair the same way that Fili had blond hair and Kili had dark hair.

"Why did you to have to do this to him?" Frodo snapped at Merry and Pippin. "Don't you know how upset he is?"

"Come on, Frodo," said Merry. "Bilbo's been hiding a ton of stuff from us and we need to know what it is. Didn't we ask him about his adventures once?"

"We did," said Frodo. "Once last year during the last moon of autumn party. He made a special dish for us to eat and told us about his adventures."

"Once is not enough," said Pippin. "We want to know why Bilbo keeps referring to us as _Fili and Kili_ and not _Merry and Pippin_ , especially whenever he catches us playing in his garden without supervision."

"We want to know who they are," said Merry. "Don't you want to know who they are, Frodo?"

"I do," Frodo admitted, "but every time I ask about them, Uncle Bilbo clams up. It's like he's not telling me anything."

"Geez, I wonder why," said Merry.

"It's not like he's got anything to hide," said Pippin. "Except for his spoons, which Lobelia keeps trying to steal if he's not looking."

"Yeah, and that too," said Frodo. "I have a feeling she's going to get her comeuppance sooner or later."

Meanwhile, Bilbo had closed the book, but not before staring at a picture of himself with Fili and Kili. He thought to himself himself _what would they be doing if they hadn't died in that battle? Would they have built their own families and took over the kingdom? And what about Thorin?_

Just then, the thought of Thorin caused him to burst into tears a second time. He cursed himself for his actions with the Arkenstone, which had caused this whole "Battle of Five Armies" mess and the deaths of Thorin, Fili, and Kili. _I should have given him the Arkenstone instead of trading it away,_ he thought himself. _Then he still would be alive and I wouldn't be crying for him._

Little did he know that Merry and Pippin wouldn't stop pestering him about Fili and Kili, and Frodo was curious at knowing who the two Dwarves were. But Bilbo had no idea that a surprise was just around the corner...


	3. What Fili and Kili saw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo doesn't know that Fili and Kili are watching him...

While Bilbo was torn between crying and scolding Merry and Pippin for reading his book, Fili and Kili were watching Bilbo through a window. He was sobbing because of them. Them, and their uncle Thorin. He still believed they all were dead even though they survived their injuries and reclaimed Erebor. (It was noted that Erebor flourished during that time. Dale and Laketown also recovered from the damage Smaug had done to those cities.)

"Bro," said Kili as he turned to stare at him, "Bilbo's sad. He misses us and he really misses Thorin. He thinks that we're dead and that's why he's crying for us. What should we do?"

"Well, let's get him and Uncle Thorin back together," said Fili. "What do we have to lose?"

They snuck around to the front yard, where the other dwarves were. They too were summoned to go to Bag End to reconcile with Bilbo. Dwalin said, "So, what's the verdict, boys?"

"He's sad because he misses us," said Fili.

"And Uncle Thorin," said Kili.

"He misses Thorin," said Fili.

"Why don't we go in and give Bilbo a surprise," said Ori.

Everyone agreed, but Thorin said, "It's not going to happen."

"What?" said Oin.

"Why not?" said Bombur.

"He's moved on with his life," said Thorin with some sadness in his voice. "By now, he's gotten married and had children. What does he need us for?"

"You really think that Bilbo moved on, that he forgot about you?" said Gandalf.

"I mean it," said Thorin. "He's probably happy with his new family and forgot about us. I bet he's forgotten about me. We might as well give up and go home now."

"No," said Gandalf. "You're not going back to Erebor until you see him."

"Really?" said Ori. "Why not?"

"Because I said so," said Gandalf. "Now, you're going to talk to Bilbo Baggins and you're going to be happy about it."  
  
"I don't know," said Nori. "In fact, it's your fault Bilbo ended up a lonely Hobbit, never getting married or having children and living a lonely life."

"Well, don't blame Gandalf too much," said Dori. "I mean, yes, it's mostly Gandalf's fault, but when was the last time we ourselves went to see Bilbo?"

"Who knows?" said Bombur.

"Do we really have to see him?" said Gloin to Gandalf.

"I'm afraid you have no choice," said Gandalf. "You will visit Bilbo Baggins whether you like it or not. Now let's go."

Inside Bag End, Frodo was about to make tea when a Dwarf showed up at the door. He could tell that it was a Dwarf by the sound of the pounding on the door. "All right, all right, I'm coming!" said Frodo. "Just wait a second."

He opened the front door and a Dwarf with a bald head decorated with tattoos stood in the doorway. "Dwalin at your service," said Dwalin.

"Darn," said Pippin as he saw Dwalin. "I was so sure that was Kili."

"No," said Dwalin, "I am NOT Kili, and that looks like my brother Balin."

Balin walked into the room, saying, "Balin, at your service."

"Oh no," said Merry as he saw Balin, "looks like Fili is an old man!"

Balin laughed, saying, "Now I'm not as old as you boys think I am; that would be Gandalf."

"Of course," said Frodo. "Gandalf is incredibly old, isn't he?"

"Indeed he is," said Bilbo as he walked into the dining room and saw Balin and Dwalin. "What are you two doing here?" he cried out in shock, as it had been many years since he had seen them last. (The last time they saw him wasn't the best of circumstances, as Bilbo left Erebor after Thorin's funeral.)

"Same reason why they are here," said Dwalin.

Soon, two familiar young Dwarves walked into the room saying, "Fili and Kili at your service."

Upon hearing that and seeing those two dead princes in question alive and standing before him, Bilbo fainted. Dwalin reached out and caught him before he could hit the ground. Frodo, Merry, Pippin, and Balin watched in shock as Fili and Kili helped Dwalin set Bilbo on a couch to recover.

At the same time, everyone else rushed into the room and saw what happened. Bilbo Baggins had fainted a second time, no thanks to them and their unexpected arrival. "Is this a bad time?" said Bofur.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you thought that Bilbo fainting when he saw Fili and Kili was bad enough, then wait to see what happens when he sees Thorin! Be on the lookout for when Fili and Kili finally meet Merry and Pippin!


	4. Oh no! It finally happened!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, the moment that Fili and Kili meet Merry and Pippin.
> 
> Goodbye, universe...

"Uncle Bilbo!" Frodo cried out in horror as he rushed to his uncle's side. Bilbo fainted upon seeing Fili and Kili at his front door, just as he saw them many years ago. Frodo stared at Fili and Kili; Fili grew out a beard while Kili managed to have stubble on his face. Both brothers were concerned about Bilbo, who was lying on the floor.

Frodo glared at the Dwarves, saying, "What did you do to him?“

"What did we do to him?" said Fili.

"Bilbo fainted, that's what happened to him," said Frodo. "Did you have anything to do with that?"

"Oh my God, you're them!" Merry cried out as he stared at Fili and Kili. "You're Fili and Kili!"

"How do you know who we are?" said Fili.

"Well, Bilbo always calls us Fili and Kili, especially whenever he catches us stealing his hot pepper pies and eating them," said Pippin.

"You're always stealing his hot pepper pies and eating them," said Frodo.

"Yeah yeah," said Merry. "You'd do it too."

"I do NOT steal Bilbo's hot pepper pies!" said Frodo. "Not from Bilbo's front porch next to the petunias!"

"But his pies are so good," said Merry. “How can we NOT steal them?”

“You’re hopeless,” said Frodo.

"You know Bilbo!" said Pippin as he stared at Fili and Kili.

"Of course we do," said Fili as he stared at Pippin. "I'm Fili and this is my brother Kili."

"And we're at your service," said Kili.

Frodo said to Fili, "I think you and your Dwarf friends should leave right now. We don't want your kind here."

"Frodo Baggins, where are your manners?" Merry snapped at him. Then to the Dwarves, he said, "Merry Brandybuck..."

"...and Pippin Took," said Pippin.

"At your service," both Hobbits said at once. The Dwarves nodded, with Bofur whispering to Nori, “You sure they’re not Bilbo’s children?”

“I wouldn’t know,” said Nori. “But it’s that nephew of his we have to keep an eye on. He’s more like Thorin than Bilbo.”

“I’ve noticed,” said Dori. “I would also watch those Hobbit boys if I were you, Nori; they’re the type to cause trouble if they’re not being watched.”

Nori nodded, not knowing that the boys in question were staring at him…

At the same time, Frodo saw Gandalf and snarled, "Why are all these Dwarves here?"

"They're here to pay a visit to Bilbo," said Gandalf. "You do know about your uncle's adventure, right?"

"Oh, I do know about how you forced Uncle Bilbo to leave here and go on that quest," Frodo snapped at him in anger. "I know that he came back to the Shire with nothing but a broken heart. You've ruined his life beyond all hope..."

"It might not seem that way," Gandalf began to say, but Frodo said, "What do YOU know about Bilbo's adventure? Nothing! As far as I know, it’s your fault everyone in the Shire calls him “Mad Baggins” and think he’s odd!"

As Frodo launched into a full-scale tirade about Dwarves being in Bag End and Bilbo’s adventures, the other Dwarves watched him with interest. “I guess we underestimated how much Bilbo missed us,” said Bombur.

“Don’t write him off just yet,” said Gloin. “Remember what we’re here to do.”

“Make Bilbo get back with Thorin,” chorused the others.

“That’s our goal,” said Gloin. “I hope it doesn’t take too long, seeing as we’ve had enough of watching Thorin brooding over Bilbo.”

“I know,” said Bifur. “He’s been doing that for over 40 years now. It’s gotten tiring.”

“Not to worry, because I have a good idea on how to speed up the process,” said Bofur with a grin on his face.

During the argument between Frodo and Gandalf and the other dwarves' schemes to get Bilbo and Thorin to hook back up (and put an end to the brooding), Merry said to Fili and Kili, "So you're Bilbo's Dwarves? The ones who came here and took him on that adventure?"

"That we are," said Kili.

"So you want to hang out with us?" said Pippin.

"Sure," said Fili.

And the whole world cried out, “OH NO!!!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frodo, did you really have to be so rude? Don't you know who those Dwarves are?
> 
> Anyway, prepare for double trouble, as Merry and Pippin and Fili and Kili start causing trouble for everyone!


	5. Oh no! Not this again!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The nightmare has officially began...

When he recovered, Bilbo saw 13 Dwarves staring at him. He was in the living room on the couch; he fainted after seeing two once-dead dwarves walking into his house. Well, that, and those not-dead dwarves in question came with 11 other dwarves who were familiar to him. But this part of the story wasn't over yet.

"What's going on and why is everyone here?" he snapped at Gandalf as soon as he saw him. Everyone in the room turned to stare at him. Bilbo hadn't aged since his adventure (no thanks to a certain cursed Ring he carried), while the other dwarves began to show their ages. "Why did you bring them all here? I already told you, you stuffy old man, I don't want any guests or visitors!"

"What about friends? Very old friends? Friends who you shared an adventure with?" said Gandalf as he looked at Bilbo. "Don't you want to see your old friends?"

"I mean it," said Bilbo as he crossed his arms and glared at Gandalf angrily. "I just want to be alone. I've got too much to do. I moved on. I have retired. I have a 27-year-old nephew who needs me. So you can just take these Dwarves and shove off."

Frodo said, "Gandalf, why did you bring these Dwarves here? Are you trying to send Bilbo to an early grave?"

"Bilbo told you about his adventure, but he hasn't told you the entire story about what happened on his adventure," said Gandalf.

"Why should I tell him anything?" said Bilbo. "As far as we know, Nori's right. You did turn me into a lonely and angry Hobbit with this journey. You ruined my life. I'm no longer the same Hobbit that I was before you threw Thorin into my life. In fact, did you know that everyone in Hobbiton calls me " _Mad Baggins_ "? Do you?"

"I'm sorry; I had no idea that that would happen," said Gandalf.

"Of course you didn't, you stupid old man!" Bilbo snarled at him. "You never knew they would call me mad. They think I'm insane! And did you know what else I had to endure? I would wander away from Bag End to the edge of the Shire every year to view the last moon of autumn. I suffered many sleepless nights and had night terrors. I also had times where I never wanted to leave my bed because it was too painful! There were times where I wished I had died, because a life without Thorin is no life at all!"

At that, he burst into tears, laying his head on Frodo's shoulder. As Frodo comforted him, he glared at Gandalf in anger. He couldn't believe that after 15 years he spent knowing Bilbo, Frodo would grow to hate Gandalf for everything that Bilbo went through before he took him in.

Or maybe not hate, but be very angry.

Gandalf said, "Bilbo, I can explain..."

"Just leave him alone, Gandalf!" Frodo cried out as he hugged Bilbo. "Can't you see that my poor uncle can't take any more of this? Why are you doing this to him? He already says he's done with adventures, so stop dragging him on another adventure!"

Thorin stared at him, admiring the young Hobbit's devotion to his uncle. Frodo Baggins reminded him so much of Fili and Kili and how they were devoted to him. The only reason that happened was because the boys' father, Vili, died in a mining accident when the boys were children. Thorin found himself stepping in and raising the boys as his own.

Yet, when he saw Frodo's reaction to his uncle fainting and scolding Gandalf for bringing the Company into his home, Thorin knew Fili and Kili would have the same reaction if ANYTHING happened to him.

Speaking of which...

* * *

"Do you want to sneak up behind Sam and scare the crap out of him?" said Merry as the younger Hobbits and Dwarves left the living room and headed towards the front door.

"Who is Sam?" said Fili.

"Sam Gamgee is Frodo's next-door neighbor," said Pippin, "and he's easy to scare. We're going to jump out from behind him when he's walking this way and scare him."

"Sounds good," said Kili.

They slipped out of Bag End and made their way in the direction of the bushes leading to the place. Sam Gamgee had no idea that he was going to get the biggest scare of his life...


	6. The first victim

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam unfortunately becomes the first victim of the prankers of Middle Earth

Samwise Gamgee left his home on Bagshot Row and went to Bag End. He was on his way to visit Frodo, and he had no idea that Frodo had many unwelcome guests in his house. He also had no idea that within the next few minutes, he would be pranked.

"That's Sam?" said Fili as he and Kili stared at the Hobbit in question.

"Yeah," said Merry. "His father works for Bilbo, so he's over here a lot. He and Frodo are close."

"Everyone in Hobbiton says that they're dating," said Pippin, "but that's silly. There's no way they're dating."

"Not unless we say they are," said Merry with a smile on his face.

"OK, what does that have to do with anything?" said Kili.

"A lot," said Merry. "Sam is easy to scare. Why don't we jump out from behind one of those bushes and scare him?"

"That's a good idea," said Kili. "Where should we hide?"

As Sam reached the gate, four figures jumped out from behind a large bush along the path to Bag End and scared him. "Aaaaahhhh!" he screamed as he almost fell over.

Just then, he heard laughter coming from behind the bushes. "Bwahahahaha!!"

"Merry and Pippin, if that's you, I won't hesitate to slap you across your face!" he yelled. "You've gone too far with this prank!"

"Oh Sam, we were just having some fun," said Merry as he came out of the bushes. "Why are you like this?"

"You have to admit, you're easy to scare," said Pippin as he followed Merry from the bushes.

"That's not cool, you two," said Sam as he glared at the younger Hobbits. "How would you like it if you jumped out and scared Gandalf? He'd zap you and turn you into frogs, that's what he do."

As Sam unleashed a tirade against Merry and Pippin, Fili and Kili couldn't stop themselves from laughing. That Hobbit reminded them of when they first met Bilbo that it wasn't funny. (Bilbo was a fussy Hobbit until Fili and Kili came to his house and tossed his dishes around, something that displeased Bilbo.)

But it wasn't over yet, as Sam ended his rant by saying, "When I tell Mr. Frodo what you two are up to..."

Sam couldn't finish his rant because he saw two Dwarves standing beside Merry and Pippin. "And who the heck are you?" he snarled as he stared at Fili and Kili.

"Fili," said Fili.

"And Kili," said Kili

"At your service," they both said at the same time.

At that point, Sam couldn't say a word; he was so stunned at the sight of the Dwarves. He never saw any Dwarves before, except for when Bilbo would tell his story about his adventures with the Dwarves at many parties.

"What's wrong Sam?" said Merry as he stared at Sam. "Cat got your tongue?"

"Oh, be quiet you!" Sam snapped as he continued on to Bag End, swearing to let Frodo know about that particular incident. He wasn't about to let Merry and Pippin get away with that prank this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Sam meets Fili and Kili, and he isn't too impressed with them. Will Sam tell Frodo about the prank? And who will the prankers get next? Stay tuned!


	7. Explaining Everything, part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the story is explained

Frodo was in the kitchen preparing tea when Sam burst in, saying, "Merry and Pippin are at it again!"

"Come on, Sam, you know how they are," said Frodo as he turned to face Sam. "They're never happy unless they're causing trouble."

"I mean it, Frodo," said Sam. "This time, they've gone and done it now. To make matters worse, they got those two Dwarf boys involved in their pranks."

"Who? Billy and Gilly?" said Frodo.

"I believe the correct term is _Fili and Kili_ ," Fili said as he and Kili followed Sam into the kitchen. "Learn the names, dude!"

"And who are you?" said Frodo as he glared at Fili and Kili.

"That's easy," said Fili.

"We're us," said Kili.

"And how well do you know Mister Bilbo?" Sam cut in. "Are you those Dwarves from his stories? Who are you and why are you here?"

"The thing was," Kili began, "we were going on an adventure to the Lonely Mountain when we met him."

"Right when we threatened to destroy his kitchen," Fili added.

"But we didn't," said Kili. "In fact, we were the most gracious guests Bilbo ever had."

"Yeah right," said Sam.

"And then what happened?" said Frodo.

"Our uncle came waltzing into the place," said Kili. "And he was majestic, so to speak."

"I don't get it," said Frodo.

"He had long flowing dark hair, beautiful blue eyes, and a moody demeanor," said Fili. "The way he stood there, looking all badass, was too much for Bilbo. He fainted on the floor the moment he set his eyes on him."

"Wow," said Merry as he and Pippin came into the room. "I didn't know that Bilbo had a crush on a Dwarf!"

"He did," said Fili.

"Couldn't take his eyes off of him," said Kili.

"And you want to know what he said to Bilbo?" said Fili.

"What?" said Frodo.

"Thorin said, " _You must be the Hobbit. Are my companions here_?" Bilbo found himself overcome and he fell over. Thorin caught him before he could hit the floor," said Kili.

"That's interesting," said Merry. "Bilbo had a crush on this Thorin?"

"Now I understand why Bilbo never married," said Pippin.

"It's more than that," said Fili. "As you can see..."

"Steady on, boys!" Bofur yelled as he came into the room. "Wait until the others get here before you go telling the story! Everyone needs to hear this!"

"Really?" Kili cried out.

"Yes," said Nori as he and the others walked into the room, followed by a still-shocked Bilbo. "We've got a story to tell you..."


	8. Explaining Everything, part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the story is explained

"So, what really happened to you on your adventure?" Frodo said to Bilbo as everyone had gathered around the dining room table. They had already finished supper, but the younger Hobbits were impatient for a story.

"As you can see," said Bilbo, "I was minding my own business when that Gandalf decided to show up. He said to me, ' _I'm looking for someone to share an adventure with_.' I told him, ' _No thank you, I don't want any adventures; they make you late for supper_.' But Gandalf wasn't having any of it; he said to me, ' _Enough! I am Gandalf and that means me_!'"

"Wow," said Frodo. "Even back then, he was Mr. Grumpy Pants. Who died and made him Lord of the Universe?"

"Anyway," said Bilbo, "the next evening, 13 Dwarves showed up at my house. They were some of the rudest Dwarves ever."

"Rude? I beg your pardon!" Dwalin snarled at Bilbo.

"They ate all the food in my pantry, threw my plates and dishes around, and even blew up the plumbing system," said Bilbo somewhat testily. "And I'm not even going to tell you about their leader..."

"Oh," said Pippin, "you mean your leader, the one who looks like a total badass?"

"Indeed we do," said Fili. "He walked right through that door, saying, ' _Gandalf, I thought you said this place was easy to find. I got lost twice._ ' He then looked at Bilbo, saying, ' _So, this is the Hobbit._ '"

"And let's not forget to include the fact that he was lustfully leering at Bilbo as he said that," said Kili. "Poor Bilbo could barely get a few words in, as he was so fixated on our uncle's majesticness."

"Excuse me, you two!" Bilbo snapped.

"He barely got a few seconds to look at him before he fell on the ground," said Fili.

"Just imagine, Bilbo Baggins swooning like a maiden and uncle Thorin catching him, just like in one of those romance novels our mom likes to read," said Kili.

"Now just one color picking minute!" Bilbo yelling at them. "You expect my nephew to believe that I was a swooning maid swept off her feet by some handsome prince who walked into the house?"

"Hey, who's telling the story here?" Fili yelled. 

"You should be telling Frodo the truth!" Bilbo shouted.

"We're just telling it like it is," said Kili. "Anyway, when our uncle saw Bilbo fainting, he reached out and caught him."

"But I thought Bilbo fainted after Bofur told him about the dragon and how dragons could kill you," said Ori. "At least that's how I remember it."

"Yeah right," said Nori. "I distinctly remember Bilbo fainting when Thorin spoke to him."

"No, Ori's right," said Bombur. "Bilbo fainted after Bofur scared him off after he got that contract."

"Would you all quit interrupting the story?" said Fili. "Eru! Kili and I were doing just fine until someone had to interrupt it with their talking!"

"Well, you should be telling the hobbits the truth," said Ori.

"We ARE telling them the truth!" said Kili. "In fact, Thorin was totally flirting with Bilbo."

"And how was he doing that?" said Frodo.

"He said, " _I can't say I fancy Hobbits myself. Too short. They're all fat bellies and pointy ears; far too much feet hair for me. Although that one_ ," here, he refers to Bilbo, " _is not bad_ "," said Fili.

"Dude!" yelled Kili. "You totally stole my line!"

"What line?" said Bofur.

"The line about where I was talking about Elves when we were in Rivendell," said Kili.

"And flirting with elves," said Dwalin.

"Oh for Eru's sake!" said Kili. "Would you cut that out??"

Bilbo glared at the boys, but he knew that the story was not over yet...


	9. Explaining Everything, part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where even more things are explained

"Alright, so let me get this straight," said Frodo as he stared at Fili and Kili. "You're telling me that my uncle fainted like a maiden when he met your uncle?"

"Oh, yes he did," said Bofur.

"Well," said Nori, "I seem to recall that one part where Bilbo was saying, ' _If one more dwarf shows up here, I'm kicking him out. I don't care who he is. I am in charge_.' When Thorin walked through the door, Bilbo saw him and yelled, ' _Oh no, he's hot_!'"

Frodo rolled his eyes, not believing a word that he was hearing. His uncle didn't come off as the swooning sort. Not since he himself had heard Bilbo's story many times while he was growing up in Bag End.

Nonetheless, he couldn't help but ask, "OK, are you going to tell me the real story, or are you going to just keep making stuff up?"

"We're not making up anything," said Ori. "In fact, I've written everything down in this journal." He showed everyone the journal, in which he wrote down everything he had seen and heard during the journey to Erebor. As promised, a good part of what was in that journal was about Bilbo and Thorin.

For example:

  1. _Bilbo saved Thorin's life when Azog threatened to kill him._
  2. _Thorin hugs Bilbo at the Carrock._
  3. _Bilbo saves Thorin from the spiders in Mirkwood._
  4. _Bilbo saves Thorin from the Mirkwood dungeons._
  5. _Bilbo vouches for Thorin at Laketown._



Frodo read the short list of everything Bilbo had done, which meant saving Thorin repeatedly. He frowned as he said, "I take back what I said about my uncle being a swooning maiden."

"I was no swooning maiden," said Bilbo. "Frodo, it is unwise to believe everything that you read in books, as not everything in those books is true."

"But the fact that you loved our uncle is true," said Fili, who wasn't letting that go.

"Don't deny it, you know that it is true," said Kili.

"Don't you have an Elf to obsess over?" Ori snapped.

"Elf?" said Sam. "You mean one of them was obsessed with Elves?"

"And hitting on Elves, if that is to be believed," said Dwalin. "You had to be there when Kili discovered that he was flirting with a male Elf." He and the others laughed at that memory.

"That was 44 years ago," said Kili. "Can't we drop it and leave it alone?"

"Then he had the nerve to try to sweet-talk that one elf into letting us go while we were in Mirkwood," said Nori as Kili turned red as a communist. "I remember his exact words: _aren't you going to search me? I could have anything hidden in my pants. A weapon of...mass seduction_!"

"I did NOT say that!" Kili snarled in anger. "I never ever said that!"

As everyone laughed at Kili's outburst, Merry saw Lobelia Sackville-Baggins making her way towards Bag End. He said to Pippin, "How's about we prank her?"

"Good idea," said Pippin.

They and Fili and Kili walked out the door and waited for the Hobbit in question...


	10. The second victim

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a cruel relative gets their comeuppance

"So who is this woman?" Fili asked as they hid under the bushes.

"She's Lobelia Sackville-Baggins, one of Bilbo's many relatives," said Merry. "She's been after Bilbo since he came here 44 years ago and took back his home. Since that day, she's angry with him for not dying on his journey so she can get her hands on his house."

" I see," said Kili. "Let's teach her a lesson about messing with our friend, I mean... _uncle_."

They waited for several minutes until the Hobbit in question walked by the bush. "Surprise!" they all jumped out in front of her and she screamed.

"Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took, I knew you two were under those bushes!" Lobelia shouted as she saw the two hobbits in question laughing at her. But when the two Dwarves who stood behind the Hobbits glared at her, all laughter stopped.

"So, you tried to steal our uncle's house from under his nose, didn't you?" Fili snarled as he faced the Hobbit woman. "You didn't think we wouldn't find out about it, or did you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Lobelia said as she tried not to look at the two angry Dwarves. "I thought Bilbo was dead, as he was not seen in the Shire a year after he disappeared. I just thought it was proper for my family to take his house."

Kili was unconvinced. "Now listen up here, you witch, you had no right to take his house, no right at all!" he yelled. "Now you better tell him you're sorry for taking his place."

"I will do nothing of the sort, you rude Dwarves!" Lobelia snapped at him. "That Bilbo Baggins continues to be a thorn in my side since he went on his adventure and came back...alive. Then he keeps on living even when he should have been dead! Fifteen years ago, he adopts an heir, since he not only deprived his own rightful heir of his mansion, but he's giving Bag End to the son of a Brandybuck!"

"Now that's not nice," said Merry. "I'm a Brandybuck too, so you better give Frodo some respect!"

"And what if I say no?" Lobelia snapped at him.

"Is that you out there, Lobelia Sackville-Baggins?" Bilbo shouted as he watched the confrontation from his front yard. "I ask you kindly to treat my guests with some respect."

"These Dwarves do not deserve any of my respect!" Lobelia snarled at him. "They think they have the right to tell me what to do!"

"I'm sorry about their rude behavior, but they're right," that Bilbo. "You'll never get Bag End! You'll get it over my dead body! Bag End will go to Frodo when I die, and you're just going to have to accept that!"

Thorin watched the confrontation with some anger; how dare that Hobbit woman talk to his beloved like that! She needed to learn a big lesson about who she should and shouldn't be messing with.

He approached her saying, "So this is the relative who tried to take Bag End away from my Bilbo?"

"What's it to you, Dwarf?" Lobelia snapped at him.

"You have messed with my beloved," said Thorin, "I don't like people who do that kind of thing. You have five seconds to leave this place or so help me..."

Lobelia knew what was good for her and fled from Bag End as fast as she could. Bilbo shook his head, saying, "There's one in every family, three in mine, and they always go around messing up stuff for everyone else."

"What are you going to do with her?" Fili cried out.

"As far as I know, she's looking for some gossip to spread around," said Bilbo, "and our problem is, she found it."

Frodo stared out the window; he had heard what Lobelia said about him and he grew angry. She had gone too far with she insulted his late mother, Primula.

Sam said to him, "Let it go, Frodo. She's not worth your pain. Plus, she never should have insulted your mother."

"I know," said Frodo. "And the second she starts telling everyone in Hobbiton about the Dwarves, it's over. We'll never hear the end of it."

Merry and Pippin watched the whole thing happening. "You want to bet?" they whispered.


	11. Seeing things in a completely different light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Frodo discover that there is more to Bilbo than he originally thought

"I wonder how well I know my uncle," Frodo said as he stared at Sam. "No one told me about his adventures, except for him."

"Also, he gave us the G-rated version," said Sam. "But I know that that's not all to that story, or is it?"

"Nope," said Nori. "You boys are going to be surprised to know of the R-rated things that happened between Bilbo and Thorin that I saw."

"You mean, Mr. Bilbo did some things that no one knew about?" said Sam.

"Why don't you tell them about the time we saw them kissing underneath the huge oak tree in Beorn's backyard," said Bofur.

"And about the number of times they hooked up while we were in prison," Dwalin added.

"And don't even get me started on that party at Laketown," said Gloin. He stared at Frodo, saying, "Your uncle was so in love with Thorin that it wasn't even funny!"

Frodo found himself blushing. Of all the things to learn about his uncle, him being in love with a Dwarf king wasn't what he expected. Far from it, actually.

"Yeah, just go ahead tell him everything that happened and I wasn't there to see it," another Dwarf snarled as he stomped into the room.

"And who is this?" said Frodo as he stared at the newcomer. "Please tell me it's not who I think it is!"

"No, that's just my son, Gimli," said Gloin. "And I thank you for being completely respectful and not calling him a goblin mutant."

"Who called me a goblin mutant?" yelled Gimli. "I will find them and give him a taste of Dwarfish iron, right up his jacksie!"

"Oh nobody, son," said Gloin. "Just a rude Elf prince who thought it was fun to mock my family. He thought your mother was my brother, if even such a thing like that existed!"

"His father should have taught him better," said Dori. "Nobody appreciates being called a goblin mutant!"

"Well, that's all fine and dandy," said Frodo, "but what does this have to do with my uncle and the dwarf king?"

"So you want to know the truth?" said Nori. "I'm warning you now: _once you know something, you can't unknow it_!"

"What do you mean?" sad Sam.

"We're going to tell you," said Bofur, "but you won't like it."

"Tell us anyway," said Frodo.

Bofur and Nori told Frodo and Sam everything they knew about Bilbo and Thorin. Frodo and Sam didn't like it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gimli has now made his appearance in this story! Next chapter, he'll react to his father's story about what happened when the Company was captured by the Elves!


	12. A debate about Elves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which some very controversial opinions about elves are exposed

"So, tell me what happened when you were captured by Elves," Gimli said to Gloin as the Company gathered around the dining room table for supper.

"Well, you might not like this part of the story," Gloin said as he thought back to that day...

> _A horrified scream cut through the camp. A huge spider was seen; it picked up an unsuspecting camper and trapped them in a web. "Aaaahhh!" Bilbo shouted as he fought against the spider. He picked up his sword and stabbed it to death._
> 
> _"Now to give my sword a name," he said. "I will call it Sting!"_
> 
> _He spent the rest of that morning cutting his friends free from the spider webs. They all fought against the spiders, killing as many of them as they could. But it was not enough, as these spiders were bold and fought back. Yet, a large group of Elves showed up and they began killing spiders. Within several minutes, the spiders were dispatched and the Elves were glaring at the dwarves._
> 
> _"What are you doing here?" said the leader of the Elves._
> 
> _"We got lost in these woods and we need a way out," said Thorin._
> 
> _"I see," said the Elf prince. "Capture them!"_
> 
> _Before you know it, all 13 Dwarves were caught and taken away. Kili turned around and started flirting with an Elf. "Oh God, tell me you're not doing it again, Kili!" Fili yelled at him. "You seriously have no tact!"_
> 
> _"What?" said another Elf._
> 
> _"Can you believe this guy likes to flirt with Elves?" said Ori. "Last time we were in Rivendell, he had the nerve to flirt with a guy Elf!"_
> 
> _"Cut it out, Ori!" Kili snapped at him as the Elves laughed._
> 
> _Legolas picked up a framed picture and stared at it for a few minutes. "Hey, give me that!" Gloin yelled._
> 
> _"Who is this ugly man?" Legolas said as he stared at the picture of a woman._
> 
> _"That's my wife!" said Gloin._
> 
> _"And who is this ugly little boy; he looks like a goblin mutant," said Legolas._
> 
> _"That's my son, Gimli," said Gloin as he grew even angrier at the Elf._

"He called me a goblin mutant?" Gimli snarled in anger. "What a rude Elf! I don't know what Kili sees in them!"

"Yeah," said Fili. "And to make matters worse, he continued flirting with her!"

"I did not," said Kili.

"Yes you did," said Dori.

> _While they were in prison, Kili said to Tauriel, "Aren't you going to search me? I could have anything in my pants."_
> 
> _"How dare you talk to me using that sexual language, dwarf!" Tauriel snapped in anger._
> 
> _Fili said to him, "Dude, you have no tact!"_
> 
> _"Oh come on, bro," said Kili. "You knew this was bound to happen. There's no other way around it."_
> 
> _"Actually, I find that pretty hot coming from you," said Tauriel. "I really like you. Let's use this unexpected love between us to break this petty and unnecessary hate that's between our two races."_
> 
> _"Way to go, Kili!" Dwalin yelled as the others cheered._
> 
> _"Aren't you going to let us go?" said Fili._
> 
> _"No," said Tauriel. "You're our prisoners. You're staying here." A chorus of groans followed her response._

"Oh my God! Kili, you lady killer!" Gimli snapped at him. "I can't believe that you were all over the place, flirting with elves! What is wrong with you?"

"Believe it, Gimli, things got so much worse when we went to Laketown," said Oin.

> _After fighting off an Orc attack, Tauriel healed Kili. A bright light flashed all throughout the room. "Well, isn't this nice," said Oin. "I never thought in my whole life I would see something like this."_
> 
> _Kili, however, knew that he still had it bad for Tauriel, which wasn't lost on the group. "He's definitely in love with her," said Bofur._
> 
> _"Yeah, I know," said Fili._

"And then there was that one part in the story where Kili says..." Bofur added, before Kili covered his mouth. "If you tell anyone this, I'll kill you in your sleep!" he snarled.

"OK fine, I won't tell everyone you told Tauriel that you love her," said Bofur.

Kili reached out and slapped him across the face. "You need to know when to shut up!" he snarled as he stormed away from the dining room.

"Dude," said Nori, "you seriously have no tact."

"Plus, that moment was private," said Fili.

"But it wasn't my fault that Kili had feelings for her," said Bofur, "so stop getting mad at me! Plus he's your brother, so you need to tell him what to do."

"Wow," said Gimli. "This story just got more complicated than I thought."


	13. Meanwhile Back in Erebor...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While the Company is in Erebor, Dain Ironfoot and Dis are holding down the fort and dealing with the everyday matters.

Dain Ironfoot was perched on the throne listening to the latest petitioner's demand. The day dragged on, with many Dwarves pleading with him for any news of the king's return. Dis, Thorin's sister, was sitting next to him, not doing anything.

She said, "I don't know why people are taking advantage of Thorin's absence to go poking at him. Can't they give him a break?"

"I don't understand why Gandalf had to pull him away from his duties as king to go chasing after a Hobbit," said Dain. "That Hobbit must be special to make Thorin shirk off his duties."

"Not how I see it," said Dis as she held up a letter. "The boys wrote to me, claiming that the Hobbit swooned at the sight of my brother. Again."

Dain read the letter and roared with laughter, as did the rest of the court. Nothing made their day better, knowing that Thorin had caused a Hobbit to faint just by looking at him. "That is too funny!" Dain laughed. "I can't imagine that poor little Hobbit fainting at the sight of my cousin, just like in those romance novels that you like to read! If only I was there!"

Dis said, "I just hope that the boys aren't up to any mischief. Goodness knows what happened the last time they went on that quest."

"Kili hitting on Elves, wasn't that just insane?" Dain cut in. 

"I've noticed," said Dis. "I really should have warned him against flirting with Elves before he left Ered Luin."

"And there was that matter of that one incident," Dain began, but a courtier came running in, saying, "Lord Dain, King Thranduil requests your presence."

"Can't you see that I'm a little busy here?" Dain snarled at him. "You may tell that rude fairy that I'll deal with him on my own terms and not a minute before."

"But it's important," said the courtier.

"You heard him," said Dis. "If he wants to deal with us, he can come here himself. I don't have time for your silly games!"

The courtier ran off whimpering; he knew not to mess with Dis. Many a poor Dwarf had learned that lesson the hard way when Dis glared at them or scolded them for their improper behavior. Even the men of Dale and Laketown learned to fear Dis, for her reputation as a hard dealer was widespread.

"Shall we make trouble for that sprite?" said Dain.

"He'll be begging us not to when we get done with him," said Dis. They left the throne room, intending to give Thranduil some serious hell for interrupting the court session just to see to his silly demands.


	14. Explaining Everything, part 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which even more things are explained

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where we last left off:  
>  _"You seriously need to know when to shut up!" Kili snarled as he stormed away from the dining room._
> 
> _"Dude," said Nori, "you seriously have no tact."_
> 
> _"Plus, that moment was private," said Fili._
> 
> _"But it wasn't my fault that Kili had feelings for her," said Bofur, "so stop getting mad at me! Plus he's your brother, so you need to tell him what to do."_
> 
> _"Wow," said Gimli. "This story just got more complicated than I thought."_

"OK, so what's this about Kili hitting on Elves?" said Gimli.

"I don't know why, but something told me that he seems to have a thing for Elves," said Dwalin.

"But why would he have a thing for Elves?" said Gimli. "I thought Elves were nothing but a bunch of pretty little brats who think they own the world and we all must pay tribute to them."

"No, that's just Thranduil," said Thorin. "Can you believe that guy? He didn't even lift a finger to help us when Smaug chased us out of our home all those years ago. He didn't help us when we were on our quest, all because my grandpa wouldn't hand him some jewels that he wanted. They think they're so great, those stupid Woodland elves."

"But what about Lord Elrond?" said Ori.

"He's tolerable enough in the best of times," said Thorin. "But Thranduil can go sit on a prickly bush for all the good that he thinks he is."

The other Dwarves roared with laughter over that joke. It seemed that no matter how long it was, nobody wanted to forgive Thranduil due to them being in the Woodland dungeons all those years ago.

"So what about Kili hitting on that Elf that you were talking about?" said Pippin.

"I heard Kili saying to her, ' _Aren't you going to search me? I could have anything in my pants_.' She said, ' _Or nothing_ ,' as she slammed the door shut in his face," said Nori.

"He's such a lady killer," said Gimli. "What was he trying to do, pick her up for a date or something like that?"

Everyone else roared with laughter as Frodo said, "That may be all fine and dandy, but I don't see what this has to do with my uncle and that Dwarf."

"Believe you me, this has everything to do with your uncle and Thorin," said Nori, "and I mean everything."

"Oh, oh, tell him about the hundreds of time they hooked up while we were in prison," said Dori.

"Seriously, dude," said Nori, "do you not know how old he is? He's much too young to be hearing that kind of garbage!"

"Come on now," said Bombur, "as much garbage as you and my brother insist on talking about..."

"You do know they're not ready to hear some of the R-rated stuff that we saw," said Bofur. "Besides, we're with Hobbits, and we need to keep everything at least PG-rated."

"Take it up a notch," yelled Kili from the other room.

"OK," said Nori, "we make everything PG-13."

"Oh no!" cried the Tolkienverse.


	15. Explaining everything, part 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili thinks about when he met Tauriel as Fili and the others cheer him up.

"Cheer up, dude," said Fili as he and Kili were sitting on the roof of Bag End. "I'm sure that Bofur didn't mean anything by it."

"Still, that was private," said Kili. "Now thanks to him, everybody knows that I have feelings for Tauriel."

"And you still do," said Fili. "Not that there's anything wrong with it."

"Of course," said Kili, "but I think Bofur should be punished for exposing my secret. I love Tauriel and no one else was supposed to know about that!"

"Indeed, he will be punished for exposing your secret," said Fili. "But how should we punish him in such a way that he'll never expose any more of your secrets?"

"Not unless we can spread a rumor that he likes someone," said Merry.

"You're such a genius!" said Pippin. "Why didn't we think of this one before?"

"What are you talking about?" said Fili.

"Merry and I have a plan to hit back at your silly friend," said Pippin. "And it involves rumors that he likes someone."

"Really?' said Kili. " Are you sure that this will work?"

"Don't worry, we've had plenty of practice with Frodo and Sam," said Merry. "Many people in Hobbiton believe that Frodo and Sam are a couple."

"Oh my God, you guys are so bad!" yelled Fili.

"Super bad!" said Kili.

"So what's this about you and this Tauriel person?" said Pippin.

"Oh, you know," said Kili, "we were stuck in Mirkwood Forest for a few days and everybody was starving to death. Plus, us getting captured by spiders didn't help the situation. But when the Elves came, did they help us? No! They captured us and threw us in prison; they cared nothing for how important our quest was."

"That's all fine and dandy, but can we get to the good part, please?" said Fili.

"Indeed I will," said Kili. "When I first saw Tauriel, she was fighting off several spiders. I offered to help her, but she refused my help. But then she looked at me and I looked at her. Was it love at first sight, or was she just...curious?"

"So, you decide to go ahead and start hitting on her, didn't you?" said Merry.

"Why not?" said Fili. "After all, in Rivendell he began hitting on Elves. He even started hitting on a guy Elf, if that is to be believed."

"Are we still talking about that?" yelled Kili. "That was so 2941! Get over it, dude!"

"So, when are we going to hit your friend back?" said Pippin.

"Oh, I have an idea," said Merry.


	16. One of their own is the victim of a very terrible prank

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a Dwarf in the Company gets a taste of his own medicine

Bofur stepped out the door of Bag End to find Fili and Kili after Bilbo ordered him apologize to Kili for hurting his feelings. He had no idea that he was about to be the subject of a terrible prank...

"I guess you can't keep your mouth shut, let alone your hands to yourself," said Merry as he and Pippin cornered the hat-wearing toy maker.

"What are you boys talking about?" said Bofur.

"For all that smack talk that you gave Kili regarding his Elf girlfriend, I wouldn't be surprised if you had feelings for someone," said Pippin.

Bofur stared at him, feeling confused. "I don't understand," he said.

"Oh, I think you do understand," said Merry.

"And how old are you boys?" said Bofur.

"I'm 13 and Pippin's 8," said Merry.

"And don't you think you boys are a little too young to be spreading them type of rumors around?" said Bofur

"They are, but we're not," said Fili as he pulled out his tablet and logged onto fanfiction.net. "In fact, we're going to tell everybody about those naughty Bofur/Nori fanfiction stories circling around on the Internet!"

Bofur was horrified. "You would dare!" he yelled in anger.

"It's no less than what you deserve," said Kili. "My mom's going to lay hard-boiled eggs when she finds out about me being involved with Tauriel. I'm not even going to mention what she might do to Uncle Thorin when she finds out about that part of the story where he and Bilbo hooked up."

"You can't do that!" Bofur cried out. "That's not cool!" 

"So, if you don't want everybody finding about your secret trysts with Nori, you will shut up about Kili," said Fili.

"All right, what's going on here?" said Nori as he walked onto the scene.

"You tell me," said Bofur. "Those miscreants are at it again! This time, they're threatening to blackmail me with such ridiculous rumors about us shagging like rabbits!"

"Oh yeah?" said Nori. "We'll see about that!"

"Uh-oh, we're in trouble!" said Merry and Pippin as they, Fili, and Kili ran off.


	17. There's still more to this story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Frodo discovers even more shocking secrets regarding Bilbo and Thorin

Back in Bag End, Frodo was in his seat trying to collect his wits after the Dwarves exposed yet another secret about his uncle.

Or as we all see it:

"You guys really love to talk about my uncle," he said. "Why?"

"Because when we first met him," said Gloin, "he was the soft type, who never went on adventures or did anything unexpected."

"But this is the Shire!" said Frodo. "Nobody goes on adventures or anything like that!"

"Well, did your rulers enact any laws that say that you can't go on any adventures at all?" said Dori.

"Well..." Frodo began to say.

"Then what's stopping you?" said Ori.

Frodo stared at the Dwarves, completely red-faced and embarrassed. "Why are you asking me this?" he said.

"Your uncle was just like you once," said Dwalin. "That was, until..."

"You came into his house and forced him to go on that adventure with you," said Frodo. "I get it. Now, what's going on here? Why did you make him go on that adventure with you?"

"We needed his help to steal from a dragon," said Gloin. "Gandalf figured that the dragon wouldn't know the smell of a Hobbit; that would give Bilbo the advantage."

"But little did we know that Bilbo and Thorin would hook up, so to speak," said Balin. "In fact, they found themselves hooking up more often than not during the quest." He saw the shocked looks on the faces of Frodo and Sam before continuing, "After the hug on the Carrock, there wasn't a moment where we didn't see Bilbo and Thorin together."

"Seriously?" Frodo snapped. "Explain this." 

"There were times when we would find them kissing underneath a huge tree or behind a huge rock," said Bombur.

"And when we were at Beorn's place, that's when they really got together," said Dori.

"And let's not forget everything that happened while we were in Mirkwood," said Dwalin.

"And let's not forget when we found out that they hooked up at that party in Laketown," said Oin.

"I mean, they totally did it," said Dwalin.

Frodo and Sam stared at each other, crying out, "Oh my God!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up, Bilbo and Thorin FINALLY patch things up between them.


	18. Reconciliation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Bilbo and Thorin finally resolve an issue

While Bofur fought to save his online reputation from four prankers and the other Dwarves told shocking stories about Bilbo and Thorin to a confused Frodo and Sam, Bilbo saw this as a chance to get some much-needed space from the action.

He walked toward a huge oak tree he planted 41 years earlier, when he was sure that he recovered from the events of 2941. The tree grew in the years since it was planted, something that made an impression on the hobbits that came from all over the Shire to see it.

Yet, only Bilbo realized that the tree held a different meaning for him. That tree had started out as nothing more than an acorn. Unknown to everyone else, Bilbo had picked up that acorn after one of his and Thorin's trysts, which happened under a huge oak tree on Beorn's farm. He had carried that acorn with him all the way to Erebor and beyond.

Three years after his infamous and unexpected journey, Bilbo decided to plant the acorn. The acorn grew into a giant oak tree, and that oak tree became something of a marvel all over the Shire.

An oak tree.

Oak.

Oak shield.

Thorin Oakenshield.

Just thinking of Thorin was enough to send Bilbo into yet another flood of tears; tears he thought he buried 43 years ago. Bilbo knew that he had fallen for that Dwarf, only to lose him during the infamous Battle of the Five Armies.

Just then, a deep voice cut in saying, "You're not crying, aren't you?" Bilbo turned to stare at the Dwarf standing behind him. "Are you crying?"

"I'm crying to think that I'll never see him again," said Bilbo. "I saw him at his best and I saw him at his worst. I loved that stubborn pigheaded Dwarf despite all his faults, and I know that I'm never going to see him again."

Thorin's heart broke at watching the Hobbit before him crumble and then burst into tears. He knew that he was wrong to choose the Arkenstone over his love for Bilbo Baggins, but he did. He had allowed a stone get between him and a Hobbit. (And it didn't help when said Hobbit claimed to give the Arkenstone to Thranduil and Bard as a peace offering instead of handing it to Thorin when he had found it.)

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I betrayed you for a stone. I was wrong, and I was wrong to hurt you. I take back everything I did and said to you at the gate."

"And there are many things that I would take back as well," said Bilbo as he turned to face Thorin. "I'm sorry I lied to you. I'm sorry I kept the Arkenstone hidden from you instead of handing it over. I'm sorry I gave it up as a peace offering. I'm sorry I betrayed you."

"Look at us," said Thorin. "We're just a pair. A pair of idiots, mind you. We have both danced around each other for far too long."

"I say that it's time we started over," said Bilbo.

Later that night, Nori slipped out Bag End, trying to catch his breath. The two Hobbits who remained at the house, Frodo and Sam, were still getting the clean version of Bilbo wiped out of their heads. Nori decided that he had had enough of the story for the evening, so he decided to sneak out for a bit of fresh air.

Yet, what he saw when he stepped outside caught him off guard: Bilbo Baggins and Thorin Oakenshield were embracing each other underneath a huge oak tree. A huge smile was on Nori's face; he knew all along that Bilbo and Thorin were going to get back together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Our favorite Hobbit and dwarf couple are back on! Now all we need to do is see how everyone else deals with that. I will be back with another chapter soon.


	19. It's About Time!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You saw this one coming...

When Nori told everyone what he saw while dealing with four miscreants, the entire company went nuts.

Dori said, "I knew this was going to happen sooner or later."

"What? The world finally exploded?" said Gloin.

"I saw Bilbo and Thorin hugging underneath that oak tree," said Nori.

"Hugging?" Bombur cried out. "You don't say!"

"I'll tell it like this," said Nori. "I was walking outside hoping to catch some miscreants when I saw them hugging underneath that huge oak tree."

"I knew it was going to happen," said Ori. "I'm so happy for them!"

"I say we should write to Dain and tell him the good news," said Balin.

* * *

Meanwhile back in Erebor, Dain was going over some reports when a message from Balin ended up on his desk. He read it and cheered with glee.

"What's going on here?" Dis snapped at him.

"Your pig-headed brother finally came to his senses and reconciled with his Hobbit," said Dain.

"Well, it's about damn time too," said Dis. "For the last 44 years of my entire life, I had to put up with him moping about, pining over that Hobbit. Like can you believe that guy? He cried over a Hobbit!"

"Oh, we'll make him pay for subjecting us to that unnecessary angst," said Dain with a smile on his face.

* * *

The moment Bilbo and Thorin finally walked back inside Bag End, everyone saw them and cheered. No one was happier than Fili and Kili themselves, as they knew all along that Bilbo loved Thorin.

Yet, this story isn't over, not if there are more pranks to be pulled and more shocking tales to be exposed.


	20. More Pranks, Please!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Prankers of Middle Earth pull a prank on an unsuspecting Ranger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We all know that Aragorn's name wasn't revealed until "Lord of the Rings", but let's refer to him as Aragorn for simplicity's sake.

The next day, Merry and Pippin found themselves fleeing from Farmer Maggot's farm. Their arms were laden with vegetables. Fili and Kili followed them, saying, "This is great! Who knew that pranking the grumpiest Hobbit in the Shire was so much fun?"

"Not as much fun as pranking Ted Sandyman by filling his bathtub full of sand," said Merry. (Earlier that day, Ted Sandyman screamed in horror as he discovered that someone filled his tub with sand. He knew exactly who to blame for that prank.)

Merry, Pippin, Fili, and Kili were sitting on the borders of the Shire when a group of Rangers were spotted. With their green capes, they weren't hard to miss.

Yet Fili and Kili didn't know what a Ranger was, so they yelled out, "Oh no! Orcs!"

"No, they're not Orcs, they're Rangers!" Merry cried out, but his words fell upon deaf ears. Fili and Kili charged into battle, pelting the Rangers with fruits and vegetables. The Rangers were taken back by this unexpected and unprovoked attack. They tried to throw their hands up as a sign of peace, yet Fili and Kili pounced on a man and grabbed him by his hair.

Fili said, "Who do you work for?"

"And no lies," said Kili. "If you lie, we'll cut his throat!"

Fili pulled out one of his knives and held it against the man's throat. "You have five seconds to talk or else," he snarled in anger.

The Rangers, knowing that their leader was in grave danger, said, "We are Rangers of the Dunedain. We have no allegiances with any Orc packs."

"A likely story," Fili snarled as he glared at his brother's captive. "Now, you will tell me who you're working for or else!"

Just then, a familiar Elf came out, saying, "It's all right; I know these two. They are some of the biggest miscreants this side of the Misty Mountains."

"Thank you very much," said the captured man. "Now, do you mind telling them to let me go? I'd like to have my head back, if you don't mind."

Fili and Kili were beyond confused. "Legolas?" they cried out as soon as they saw the Elf. "What are you doing here with these men?"

"These men don't hold allegiances with any Orc pack, as they fight Orcs wherever they can be found," said Legolas as he stared at the dwarf princes. Merry and Pippin glared at him, as they had never seen an elf before.

"Hey, I heard of you," said Merry. "You're that rude Elf who referred to Gimli as a goblin mutant!"

The captured man laughed and said, "Looks like you're quite popular, Legolas."

"Indeed I am," said Legolas. To Kili, he said, "and I would like to ask you to let him go."

"Why? So he can stab us in the back?" Fili snarled.

"Who does he think he is?" said Kili.

"He is Aragorn, the son of Arathorn," said Legolas. "He will be king one day."

At this, Fili and Kili let Aragorn go and began laughing. "King?" they cried out. "You say he's going to be a king?"

"King of the Orcs?" Kili laughed.

"No," said another Ranger. "He is a king of Men."

"Indeed," said Fili as he and Kili began to laugh again.

But Merry and Pippin weren't finished with Legolas yet; they said, "How can you be so rude to those guys? They're nice. It's you who is cruel and pretentious!"

"What are they talking about?" a red-haired Elf said as she approached the group.

"Hey, I know who you are!" said Pippin. "You're that Elf chick that Fili likes!"

"No, Pip, that would be Kili," said Merry.

"Are those two rascals still causing trouble?" said Tauriel.

"More trouble since we've met these two here," said Kili. "Why, this morning..."

"Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took, have you two been stealing from Farmer Maggot again?" Frodo yelled as he, Sam, and Gimli approached the Hobbits.

"What's it to you, Fro?" said Merry. "As I recall, you were one of the biggest prankers in Buckland."

"We'll see about that," said Frodo as he shoved a piece of pie into Merry's face. Pippin laughed, but Frodo smashed another piece of pie into his face as well.

"What did you do that for?" Merry cried as he tried to get the pie off his face.

"It's no less than what you deserve," said Frodo. "Plus, Sam showed me his secret recipe for hot pepper pies."

"You mean..." Pippin began to say, but then it hit them.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" the two Hobbits screamed as they ran around the attack spot in agony. Everyone saw the two screaming Hobbits and laughed their heads off.

"That was a good idea," said Sam.

"Why don't we try that on Lobelia?" said Frodo. "I'm sure that if we feed her the pies, she'll leave us alone."

"Yeah," said Sam. "And if she doesn't, then we expose the scandal about her attempting to sell your uncle's things!"

"That too is a great idea," said Frodo.

Gimli took one good look at the scene, then his eyes fell upon an Elf that was standing next to his cousins. "You..." he snarled in an angry voice.

Legolas turned around and saw an angry young Dwarf glaring at him. He knew who the Dwarf was, and he knew that he was somehow going to find himself in big trouble...


	21. A Friendship Begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gimli and Legolas meet for the very first time.

"I know who you are!" Gimli snapped as he stared at Legolas. "You're that rude Elf who called me a goblin mutant. Do I look like a goblin mutant to you?"

Legolas stared at the young Dwarf for a minute, observing the same fiery red hair and the same gruff expression that was prevalent in Gloin. Legolas said, "Well, I can see that you're no less ugly than your father was at your age."

"Ugly???" Gimli snarled. "Now I'll have you know that I have been voted one of the best-looking Dwarves in Erebor this year! How dare you call me ugly!"

Merry said, "Wow, never thought I'd see this happening."

"What?" said Sam. "You getting hit in the face with a pie?"

"No," said Pippin. "Them. We knew that this was going to happen, but not this early in the story!"

"It's just like what happened when we heard that one story that Bilbo told us about," said Frodo. "Now, there's no way in life that Gimli's going to let that go."

Gimli continued to snarl at Legolas, "And another thing, you had no right to capture my father and uncle and the rest of the company when they needed your help! I bet your father was a jerkface."

Legolas laughed as Gimli continued to rant, "And I don't understand why fangirls think he's hot! He's not hot when he acts like a jerkface."

Legolas said, "Well, it turns out that it's sometimes the jerks who get the girls."

"Yeah, right," said Gimli. "You're just saying that to make yourself feel better. It's no wonder why Tauriel left you for Kili! At least his uncle isn't a jerkface!"

"You're right," said Legolas. "Kili's uncle is not a jerkface. In fact's he's more of a broodmaster."

"What did you say???" Fili snarled at him.

"You better take that back right now," Kili yelled in anger.

"You better not let Thorin catch you saying that," said Gimli. "He'll massacre anyone who calls him a broodmaster!"

Tauriel laughed, saying, "Just look at you two, arguing like you're some old married couple! Your father would be pleased!"

"It's not like how you met Kili," Legolas shot back. "He was flirting with you!"

"Like how you're flirting with Gimli?" Kili laughed.

Aragorn laughed as he said, "While I could watch this scene go on all day, we're on a tight schedule."

But no sooner than he said that, Arwen showed up, saying, "And what have we here? A Ranger who is off his guard?"

The other Rangers tensed as they saw Arwen approaching them. Aragorn said, "We were patrolling this area when Dwarves attacked us."

"We thought they were Orcs," said Fili.

"Well, be that as it may, there are no Orcs around here," said Arwen. "But we can't be too careful. This is why we'll be patrolling this area for the next few days."

"Indeed," said Aragorn.

"And we need to head back now," said Frodo. "My uncle worries if I stay out too late."

The others nodded as the group of hobbits and dwarves left the Shire's borders. Gimli said, "I'm going to make that pretty fairy boy sorry for calling me a goblin mutant."

"I'm sure you will, Gimli," said Kili. "After all, you're the best-looking out of us here, and that's no lie."

They all laughed, knowing that the future was about to come...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there you have it! Legolas and Gimli meet, and it'll take a while for them to be friends, especially when the One Ring is concerned.


	22. Prank-rolled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a very famous prank is played

Several days after the incident with the Rangers, Merry and Pippin were still trying to think of the best way to hit Nori and Bofur back for exposing Kili's secret.

"That won't do," said Fili. They were sitting on the roof of Bag End discussing pranks. Someone suggested putting frogs into the boots of the offending Dwarves, an idea that was quickly shot down. "Nori doesn't like frogs."

"Besides, slipping frogs into their boots is a bad idea," said Kili.

"Well, what do you have in mind?" said Pippin.

Just then, the four prankers watched a video of a boy screaming in anger when he clicked on a link in his email. The link took him to a video where there was a man singing " _Never Gonna Give You Up_ " by Rick Astley.

"This is perfect!" said Kili. "We can send them that video and make them watch it! It'll be the prefect prank!"

"Well, what are we waiting for?" said Fili.

* * *

Several hours later, Nori and Bofur went online, where they discovered that Fili and Kili sent them the link to a video. "Those boys are at it again!" Nori sighed as Bofur clicked the link.

"Don't they and those two Hobbits have anything better to do than to pull pranks on us?" said Bofur.

But the link they clicked on send them to a video of a man being shot to death by a Dwarf. "Oh my God!" Nori and Bofur cried out in horror as they watched the video.

"Darn!" yelled Merry as they watched the action from a nearby window. "We must have sent them the wrong video!"

"And if we sent them that video," said Kili, "then who got the video we sent them?"

Just then, a horrified scream was heard. The prankers found out, to their great shock, that Dwalin had received the video in question. Even worse was the fact that Ori was with him when he saw that video.

"Oh, crap, we're so in big trouble!" Fili cried out as they all ran off.

At the same time, Dwalin yelled at Nori for sending in the video that rickrolled him, which Nori vehemently denied. "I'm going to pound you until you scream!" Dwalin yelled as he chased Nori around the place.

"You'll have to catch me first!" Nori yelled back.

But Dwalin never caught Nori or Bofur, as they escaped from Bag End before anyone saw them. 

"I don't believe it," said Merry as they watched the results of their prank unfolding. "How did we even get that video in the first place?"

"Who knows?" said Pippin. "But the main thing is, Nori and Bofur got what they deserved for trying to reveal Kili's secrets."

"Secrets that aren't for them to talk about," said Kili. "The sooner they know that, the better."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's all! I'm sure that if the boys were to discover Rickrolling, no one in Erebor would be safe. (And as for the video that Nori and Bofur saw, it was the video where Tyrion kills his father Tywin as he sits on the toilet) 
> 
> Next up, another story that explains everything.


	23. Explaining Everything, part 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rest of the story about Bilbo's adventures is told.

That night, as everyone gathered around the table for dinner, Bilbo spoke: "After we escaped from Mirkwood, we went to a small town called Laketown. There was nothing special about this place, save for the fact that the town was built right on top of Long Lake. After a few days, we left Laketown for Erebor."

"And what about those Elves?" said Sam. "The Elves that followed you?"

"We didn't see them until the rest left for Erebor," said Bofur. "Kili had fallen ill earlier and we were staying at Bard's house."

"And that's when the Orcs attacked us," said Oin.

"Had it not been for those Elves, we would have either died or lost Kili," said Fili.

"Plus, Tauriel healed Kili's injuries, which you already knew," said Bofur.

"While that was happening," said Thorin, "we reached the Lonely Mountain. We were about to get our coveted prize when Smaug woke up. He chased us around the mountain, shouting curses at us, and even threatening to burn down Laketown for helping us."

"That was, until Bard himself dared to do what no one else did," said Kili. "He killed the dragon."

"Then there was the messy business involving the Arkenstone," Bombur began, but a stern look from Thorin shut him up. Thorin glared at him, with a silent command to the Company that under no circumstances was anyone to discuss the incident about the Arkenstone.

"I believe we've had enough story telling for tonight," said Balin. "It's late and we need to have dinner. That is far more important than something the young Hobbits don't need to know about."

"How's about we have some of this pie?" said Dori as he held up a large piece of pie.

Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin saw that hot pepper pie that Dori was about to eat and shouted, "NO!!!!!" as they tried to snatch the pie away from him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, there you have it! And the Arkenstone will never be talked about in this story because no one really felt like reliving that nightmare.


	24. Explaining Everything, part 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo tells everyone how Thorin, Fili, and Kili died. No one likes that story.

"Hot pepper pie???" Dori roared in anger. "Whose bright idea was it to make hot pepper pie?"

"In my opinion, I say that it's rather tasty," said Nori as he snagged a piece of pie and ate it. "You just have to have the right kind of cream."

"But I don't like hot pepper pie," Ori whined.

"All right, that's enough!" Thorin yelled. "Stop it! We're having this pie whether you like it or not!" Everyone groaned as they continued to eat the pie.

Bilbo said, "How about I finish the story? That'll shut everyone up."

"Anything to get them to shut up," said Dwalin as he glared at Dori.

"After several days," said Bilbo, "we were sure Laketown was destroyed and Oin, Bofur, Fili, and Kili were dead..."

"We weren't dead!" said Bofur, "not when we escaped!"

"But no one knew that until you came back," said Bombur. Bifur nodded his agreement.

"And we built up a wall over the front gate, making sure that no one came through the front door and stole any of the treasure," said Dwalin.

"And while everyone was getting suited for war, I gave Bilbo a shirt made of mithril," said Thorin.

"Because you wanted to marry him and make him your queen," said Ori as Bilbo glared at him. "Don't deny it; you know it's true."

"I'm going to politely ignore that and say that when an army of Men and Elves came to the gate demanding payment in the form of gold, I told them to take a long walk off the short deck," said Thorin. "Bilbo objected to the war and I cast him out of Erebor in anger. He glared at everyone again, daring them to say anything about the Arkenstone.

So far, no one said a single word about the accursed jewel.

"Shortly after that, my cousin Dain Ironfoot and his men showed up; they weren't about to miss this battle. But then those blasted Orcs came and had to ruin everything!"

"BOOO!!!" yelled everyone.

"But then I took Dwalin, Fili and Kili and we went to deal with Azog at Ravenhill," said Thorin.

"YAY!!!" yelled everyone.

"And then we beat the crap out of some Orcs," said Dwalin.

"Yay!" yelled everyone.

"And we turned them into mincemeat," said Fili.

"Yay!" yelled everyone.

"And Legolas made Bolg his bitch!" said Kili.

"Yay!" yelled everyone.

"But then Azog killed them all," said Bilbo, as he began to weep.

"Noooooo!!!" screamed Frodo.

"Well, that stupid Azog though that it was cool to kill me in front of Thorin, which I didn't like," said Fili.

"Boo!" said Sam.

"And that Bolg killed me for trying to save Tauriel," said Kili.

"Double boo!!" said Merry and Pippin.

"And I'm not even going to mention what Azog tried to do to me," said Thorin.

"I hate that guy!" said Frodo.

"What a jerkface," said Sam.

"Just who does he think he is?" said Pippin.

Bilbo said sadly, "And that's why I was crying when you boys found that journal. Fili and Kili were two young Dwarves who had their whole lives ahead of them and I loved Thorin..."

"Ha!" said Bofur as he jumped out of his seat and pointed a finger at Bilbo. "So you finally admitted it! You loved Thorin!"

"We knew it!" yelled Fili and Kili.

"Well, as you can see," said Thorin, but Dwalin shut him up by saying, "Oh for Mahal's sake, quit beating around the bush and just admit that you love him."

"OK, fine!" said Thorin. "I love Bilbo Baggins. I loved him since I first laid eyes on him. There, are you happy now?"

"Indeed I am," said Dwalin.

Bilbo stopped crying despite the fact that tears still fell on his face. He said, "and I might as well admit that I loved Thorin since I first saw him at my front door."

"Well, what are you waiting for?" said Gloin. "You two need to just kiss and get it over with! I'm not getting any younger!"

Well, to make a long story short, Bilbo and Thorin kissed. Everyone saw them and cheered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's story's over, but there's a bit more to go. Bilbo and Thorin are together and Fili and Kili are staying alive!


	25. Staying Alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Fili and Kili celebrate still being alive.

"Well, this is great!" said Fili. It was the day after everything about Bilbo's adventure had been laid bare to the world, or to four curious young Hobbits. Bilbo and Thorin finally confessed their feelings for each other. "And it took them long enough, too!"

"You said it!" said Kili. "The suspense was killing me!"

"They had no right to kill us off in that "Battle of the Five Armies" movie," said Fili. To the world, he yelled out, "Hey guys, you can kill us all you want, but we're...STAYING ALIVE!!!"

( _cue "Staying Alive" by the Bee Gees_ )

Fili and Kili donned disco suits and began dancing around the Party Field like John Travolta did in " _Saturday Night Fever_ ". Soon, many young Hobbits came out and joined them, making this a huge dance party.

"Well, this is something that I could get used to," said Sam as the music continued to play and everyone danced.

"Don't speak too soon," said Frodo. "There's only six more chapters left in this story."

"So, we better make them count," said Sam.

They left the impromptu dance party and secretly delivered a fresh batch of hot pepper pies to the Sackville-Bagginses' house. To make a long story short, three members of that pretentious family suffered from eating pies with hot peppers in them.

"Didn't think you had it in you, Frodo," Merry clapped him on the back as they sat outside Bag End, enjoying some hot pepper pie. Frodo and Sam told Merry and Pippin about their prank on the Sackville-Baggins family in retaliation for how Lobelia treated them over the years.

"What can I say?" said Frodo. "Don't give Lobelia an inch or she'll take you for a mile."

Everyone laughed as an angry Hobbit woman approached Bag End...


	26. The Wrath of Lobelia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fight happens and Thorin finally puts that cruel woman in her place.

"Bilbo Baggins!" Lobelia Sackville-Baggins yelled as she pounded at the door. She had been fed hot pepper pies as a prank pulled by Frodo and Sam. "Your nephew is no good!"

"Really?" said Bilbo. "What did he do?"

"He fed us hot pepper pies, that's what he did!" Lobelia snarled in anger. "Him and that pathetic boyfriend of his!"

Bilbo snorted a little, as he was surprised to learn that Frodo had pulled the granddaddy of all pranks on Lobelia. She hated him and we're sure that the feeling was mutual. The reason Lobelia hated Frodo was because Frodo was the heir to Bag End while Lobelia's husband Otho was not.

"Well, good for him," said Bilbo. "I'm sure that you enjoyed it, knowing that you're a hateful cat who wants to claw me to death for refusing to name your husband as my heir. In fact, Frodo is a true Baggins, unlike you, who's nothing but a Bracegirdle from Hardbottle."

As the debate continued, Thorin watched the scene in disgust; how dare that woman shame and belittle his beloved! He had already dealt with Lobelia once and he wasn't going to be happy doing it again. But the moment that she threatened Bilbo's heir, he had had enough. Thorin burst into the scene, saying, "I thought I told you to leave my beloved alone, did I not?"

"Oh, you're that rude Dwarf who thought that you could tell me what to do," Lobelia snarled at him. "What do you see in that halfwit Baggins, anyway?"

"More than what I see in you, I'm sure," said Thorin. "Bilbo has been nothing but brave, smart, and loyal, unlike someone I know. You, on the other hand, didn't waste an opportunity to take what belonged to him."

"Also, I adopted Frodo as my heir and I'm not going back on my word, not when I saw what he's capable of," said Bilbo. "Now, kindly go away or I'll tell Frodo to add some of the hottest peppers that I've grown to your chili."

Lobelia snarled at them once again, and said, "You're no good, just like that mother of yours..."

Bilbo felt his right eye twitch; no one insulted his mother and lived! But he was much too nice to slap Lobelia across her face, even if she deserved it. But Frodo wasn't as nice as his uncle, meaning that he did NOT hesitate to slap the cruel woman across her face. Several Hobbits who were outside watched the encounter. "That's enough out of you, Lobelia!" he snarled. "You shouldn't talk about Bilbo's family like that, especially since you never knew that he went through!"

"Now see here, young man," Lobelia began to say, but Thorin gripped her shoulder. "I believe that young man told you to leave," he snarled. "I won't hurt you, but if I catch you anywhere around here, I won't hesitate to teach you the meaning of a Dwarf's wrath."

Luckily for everyone, Lobelia knew what was good for her and left, but not without throwing around one more insult.

"I just can't stand her," said Frodo. "She called me a Brandybuck!"

"I know," said Sam, "and that's not true. You're better than her for all the right reasons."

Inside Bag End, Bilbo tried to calm himself as Thorin said to him, "That woman had no right to insult your family. She will pay for it, I know."

"But why does she hate me so?" Bilbo's voice felt small and sad.

"She will hate you, but I love you," said Thorin. "I'll take care of you and your nephew."

Bilbo smiled a little, knowing that Thorin would protect him and Frodo. But he couldn't shake off the feeling that this wouldn't be his last encounter with Lobelia Sackville-Baggins...


	27. Meanwhile, Back in Erebor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dain and Dis get some wonderful news

"I knew it was too good to be true!" Dain cheered as he received the newest message from Fili and Kili. "Thorin finally admitted to being in love with that Bilbo Baggins!"

"I know," said Dis. "I was five seconds from heading west and smacking some sense into his head, too. Took him long enough!"

"We need to do something for him," said Dain. "Something like a huge party for when they get back."

"Indeed," said Dis. "Or even better: a wedding!"

Unfortunately for them, a courtier repeated that rumor of a royal wedding taking place. Soon, the entire kingdom of Erebor was suffering from "wedding fever", as it was called. There was no Dwarf living in Erebor who did NOT know the story about how 13 Dwarves retook the Lonely Mountain from Smaug the Dragon. The Dwarves also knew the story about how the leader of those Dwarves fell in love with a simple Hobbit from the Shire.

We're going to assume that everyone living in the North waited for Thorin to marry, especially if said person he was marrying was a Hobbit named Bilbo Baggins. As such, everyone there was preparing for the wedding of the year.

Just then, Thorin Stonehelm said, "Why did you call me here, father?"

Dain said, "Helm, I need you to take some men and go fetch our errant king and his Hobbit. We're having a wedding for them here." As Helm rushed to prepare for his journey, Dain said, "We're going to need something like this to boost morale around here."

Dis agreed and said, "And it's about time, too!"


	28. The YouTube Video in Question

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gimli intensifies his hatred for Tyrion Lannister after watching a certain YouTube video.

"I can't believe that guy would shoot his own father!" Gimli snarled in anger as he, Fili, and Kili were watching YouTube videos. It was a rare day when the boys weren't hanging out with Merry and Pippin. The Hobbits in question were busy and didn't have any time to entertain the Dwarves.

Only one hobbit was available for that activity; his name was Frodo Baggins.

"How can you guys watch this garbage?" Frodo cried out in shock as he walked in on the younger Dwarves watching YouTube videos.

"It's not garbage," said Fili.

"It's so much fun!" said Kili.

"Besides, we're family now," said Fili, "so you're probably going to be seeing us around a whole lot!"

"Oh, no!" Frodo cried out.

"Better get used to it!" said Kili.

Frodo shook his head and set off in the kitchen to help Bilbo bake some hot pepper pies.

* * *

Meanwhile, Gimli, said, "How dare he shoot his father!"

"Well, his father was a complete jerkface," said Fili.

"Not to mention downright stupid," said Kili.

"Still, I wish that Tyrion would show him a bit of appreciation," said Gimli. "I would never shoot my own father, let alone disrespect him!"

Gloin shook his head, saying, "That's what the boys sent you?"

"Well," said Nori, "Dwalin yelled at me for sending him that weird video of that guy dancing and singing a weird song. Something isn't right about this."

Just then, the doorbell rang. Helm and his men were at the door, with Helm saying, "I believe I'm here to escort my king and his bride-to-be to their wedding."

The Dwarves cheered, knowing that Dis was behind it all. Thorin dropped his jaw at the sight of his namesake while Bilbo fainted into his arms once again.


	29. It's a Nice Day for a Long-Awaited Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is a wedding.

Several months later, the lands facing the Lonely Mountain were filled with many guests. The King Under the Mountain had married his Hobbit and everyone was happy. Even happier were a few daring guests who feasted on hot pepper pies.

"I daresay, these pies are delicious," Dain said as he stuffed a piece into his mouth.

"I know," said Dis. "I'm just happy that my brother finally came to his senses. Plus, these are some delicious pies."

* * *

Meanwhile, Merry, Pippin, Fili, and Kili were running from an angry Thranduil after they shoved a piece of hot pepper pie in his face. Legolas and Tauriel watched the scene unfold with delight.

"And what is so funny, besides the fact that your father was attacked with a piece of hot pepper pie?" said Elrond.

"I guess he's getting what he deserves," said Arwen. "Can you believe his behavior at the wedding? Despicable!"

"I know," said Tauriel. "You just wait until Kili and I get married next year. He'll definitely make an ass out of himself."

Legolas rolled his eyes, but he knew his father wouldn't hesitate to misbehave. He needed to sit that Elf down and have a chat with him about his behavior. But that wasn't going to stop an angry Dwarf named Gimli and his wrath. Gimli still wasn't happy with his insults and his words of propriety. Aragorn said to him, "Don't worry about Gimli too much, Legolas. He'll come around soon."

"And what makes you say that?" said Legolas.

"I received a message from the Lady Galadriel," said Gandalf as he looked upon the happy couple. "The Ruling Ring has been found."

* * *

Meanwhile, Frodo hugged Bilbo, saying, "I'm so happy for you, Bilbo. Thorin seems like a great guy."

"I know you are, my dear boy," said Bilbo.

"I don't want you to be alone," said Frodo.

"I was alone until you came," said Bilbo. "But I don't regret taking you in when I did. I knew that you needed a strong hand, something that your grandfather strongly desired. He saw you as special and he needed someone who was willing to look after you."

"There you are, the Hobbit who stole my brother's heart," said Dis as she smiled at them.

"Go easy on him, Dis," said Thorin. "Hobbits are fragile, after all."

"I beg your pardon?!" Bilbo snapped at him.

"Says the Hobbit who faints at the sight of his majestic husband," said Thorin. Bilbo blushed, something that wasn't missed by Dis.

"Oi, you two, save it for the bedroom!" she yelled.

"Didn't think you had it in you, cousin!" Dain cheered as he greeted Thorin. "And about time you settled down, too. Everyone in the kingdom was dying to know if you were going to marry that Hobbit."

"And now they know," said Bilbo.

Just then, Sam came rushing towards them, shouting, "They're playing that song again!"

"Oh come on!" Bilbo cried out.

The song went like this:

> _"In the middle of the earth in the land called the Shire_   
>  _Lives a brave little hobbit who we all admire_   
>  _With his long wooden pipe, fuzzy woolen toes_   
>  _He lives in a Hobbit hole, everybody knows him_
> 
> _Bilbo (Bilbo) Bilbo Baggins_   
>  _He's only three feet tall_   
>  _Bilbo (Bilbo) Bilbo Baggins_   
>  _The bravest little Hobbit of them all..."_

Bilbo was just about to burst a blood vessel when Thorin said, "Come along, dear, it's time for you to go to bed."

"Make us some Dwobbit babies!" Dain yelled as everyone cheered.

Frodo shook his head, knowing that his uncle was finally happy. Yet there was one more problem for him to deal with. Mainly two Dwarves named Fili and Kili.

"Hello, cousin!" they cheered as they jumped out and hugged him.

"Oh no!" Frodo cried out as Merry and Pippin laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will NOT apologize for using the Bilbo Baggins song in this story!
> 
> Plus, poor Frodo! He now must deal with having Fili and Kili as his cousins for the rest of his life!
> 
> One more chapter before the end!


	30. Bonus Chapter: Dickrolled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before this story ends, Merry, Pippin, Fili and Kili pull one more prank on someone who really deserved it.

"Well, I must say this was a very good story," said Fili as they all knew that the end of the story was now.

"Not yet it's not," said Kili. They all stared at him. "We haven't reached the good part yet."

"Which is," said Merry.

"The part where we Dickroll someone," said Fili and Kili at the same time.

"What's Dickrolling?" said Pippin.

"It's the opposite of Rickrolling," said Kili, "except the song being played is called " _Always Gonna Give You Up"_ by Dick Agerly."

"It's the perfect prank to play on someone you don't like," said Fili.

"So, who are you pranking?" said Merry.

"You'll see," said Fili and Kili with huge smiles on their faces.

* * *

The next day, Bolg was surfing the net when he received a message. The message read " _ **filiandkiliatyourservice** has sent you a video_ ". Thinking nothing else for it, he clicked on the video.

The video featured a poorly-dressed fat man dancing around a studio surrounded by several ugly women. The man began to sing the following song:

> _We are strangers to love_   
>  _You broke the rules, and so have I_   
>  _A commitment is not what I'm thinking of_   
>  _You will be hearing this from every other guy_
> 
> _I don't want to tell you how I'm feeling_   
>  _But I must make you understand_
> 
> _I'm always gonna give you up, I'm always gonna let you down_   
>  _I'm always gonna run around and desert you_   
>  _I'm always gonna make you cry, I'm always gonna say goodbye_   
>  _I'm always gonna tell a lie and hurt you_

At that, Bolg let out a girly scream. Who on earth dared to send him that offensive video? Just then, the video cut to two young Dwarves and two young Hobbits shouting, "If you're watching this video, you just got DICKROLLED!!!"

"AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!" Bolg yelled in anger, knowing that Fili and Kili just HAD to prank him. He was going to find them and make them pay for that embarrassing prank.

* * *

"That was fun," said Fili.

"You said it," said Kili.

"So, what shall we get up to today?" said Merry.

"Who knows?" said Pippin. "I say we go throw hot pepper pies at Legolas's dad and see how he likes it!"

They all laughed, thinking about the pranks that they would pull on everyone. Although this story is over, the pranks, however, did not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's the ending of this story, but I needed to throw in a scene where the boys prank an Orc. Bolg was my first choice. Don't ask.
> 
> Also, the boys decided to do the opposite of rickrolling; don't ask why.


	31. The End...Or is it?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: the story has yet to end, seeing as Middle Earth has not recovered from those two characters meeting...

Now that we're here, I want to remind you of what would happen if Merry and Pippin met Fili and Kili. The minute Merry and Pippin met Fili and Kili, well...this happened:

You're welcome.


End file.
